Selflessness.

Over the past few days, an idea keeps resonating in my head. Something I know, but don't fully understand or can grasp. But when I do, for a moment, for a period of time, or long term... I am at peace. When you give God the reigns of your life, when you know you have no control over your worries and stresses, He will not only provide you with peace but reward you for your obedience and faith in Him. This past week especially, I have let God take control, and He has rid me free of worry and anxiety and has rewarded me in such a huge way. 

Bigger than the good news, I have Jordan back. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. It was relieving to be our old selves, how we were before the prognosis, before the premature thoughts of children in the future, before it reached Jordan at a darker level that I was hoping would soon disappear. I am so thankful to have the greater part of me back. We don't have to think about surgery or chemotherapy for another couple of months and that in itself, just relieving us of the uncertainty, is a blessing.

I'm reading a book that Neal Benson recommended Jordan to read before we get married. It's called "The Sacred Marriage" and it teaches you what being in a Christian marriage is about; the struggles, the joys, and the ways to overcome anything by being a follower of Christ. I read a section the other day about how being in a relationship takes a lot of selflessness. You have to be willing to put the other person first, serve them and their needs, and be able to not resent them for it. More importantly, what really struck me on a personal level was when it said that society will view your selflessness as codependence and would be more comfortable seeing you as selfish than codependent. In God's eyes, your "codependence" on one another is really what marriage is about. I have learned a lot about selflessness through this entire process and I think that this situation has prepared me for that segment of marriage. It's not easy to shelve your thoughts and feelings for the sake of your spouse, but it is something that if done selflessly, can save a couple more than they know. 

I can't wait to be able to move on with our lives, even just for a couple of months. The dark cloud has retreated for now, but we know now that there will always be a chance of thunderstorms ahead.