Right now, I would say my life is a steadily moving train. It is moving in the direction I feel is the right one, and I know that the storms ahead will only make me stronger, and are maybe even trials I must overcome to make up for some of the bad I've done. At the same time, I also feel like I'm passing some train stops by and looking back with sorrow, because although I would love to stop and spend the time fixing some of the hurting in my life, it just isn't something I feel capable of anymore...
Before marriage, I only had myself to worry about. I didn't have to think about how my actions would affect my husband, and would often sacrifice my feelings to keep the peace. This just isn't something I can continue to do anymore. I have a life to live. And realizing that has made all of the difference in the world. There are times I want to breakdown and cry because I am so tired of putting myself out there only to get rejected over and over again, or simply just being judged for my "actions" that others assume I am committing.
So I say this to those who I am now "passing by" on my train: I am hurt by you and I'm sure you feel the same about me. I love you. I always will. But begging and pleading isn't something I can do anymore and I don't think is fair. I have tried to reach out to you and take you on board with me, but you refuse. It makes me sad that this is how you want it to be. You can always change things and make a difference. Maybe you will take advantage of my availability to you, but that's what I'm willing to offer. So when you're ready to take a trip, my train will turn around and pick you up. But I need to keep moving. I chose a life that I vowed to live, and that's what makes me happy. So that's what I'm going to do.
I love this! I use the train analogy a lot when it comes to people in my life who just aren't "on board" with who I am and the way I chose to live my life. When people are experiencing emotions that forge their aloneness and put us in the position to "make it up to them" or win their forgiveness, all we can do is leave a space for them until their emotions pass. And emotions always do pass, like the weather. Love these people and send positive energy their way, and don't point at their wounds or try to help them "change." Just keep their spot in your life warm, and they will come around. :) I love you!
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